Sexy Sexy!

(There is basically no point to this post)

Sitting on my chair
I’m dirty and bare naked,
I have lost all my flair, shouldn’t have faked it
Her death was not my fault, she asked for it
I held her by the throat.

My love was full of despair;
Her heart was here nor there
She messed with my head, she dared
She told me I was wrong
So her death was not my fault.

Thin was my temperament,
She drove me to the edge
Made me confuse myself
As we were lying on that bed
And then I held her by the throat.

And I didn’t let her go
I looked into her eyes
And saw through her disguise
Before she faded away
I loved her heart and soul

And now, she’ll never leave.

Neoclassic meanderings

Oh MAN! Can life get any boringer?? Forgive me blogosphere and all its inhabitants, I have been bombarding you with my meaningless psychophantic meanderings over the past month so much that I have surprised even myself at the misty shit that comes outta me. Thank you for all you comments, they have been a wonderful reminder to me that even the most obscure thoughts and ideas will find somebody who sees things in a common light.

Now I do not mean to be rude, but this is my first time actively blogging and I have realized why it has taken such a grip on me. Thank you Lady Divine, yes I think I am addicted. HELP! Lol any support groups out there I should know about when I reach that point on the road where my skin shrivels up and my body can’t live without the taste of Kottu for its survival? I mean has anyone thought of putting up a rehab clinic for reforming blogaholics?

Someone said once; if you want to be a writer, Write goddamn it! Or some such like, and man, have I been writing. I have been writing about anything that poops into my head and I have been sitting down at my PC intending to write something totally refined and important and then suddenly, my mind goes into a swoon and my eyes lose focus and my fingers move of their own accord over the keyboard. The results of which are scattered among the posts in my blog. Including in this one to a certain extent.

I watched a movie, The Sixth Sense. You know the one starring Brucie and that kid who sees ghosties? Well something that struck me clear outta my mind was the concept of free-form writing. That’s right. For those of you who are not familiar with it , it’s a form of writing where one just puts pen to paper or in this case finger to keyboard and just writes the first thing that comes into one’s mind. You just keep going mindlessly writing and writing and writing. Pretty soon, you notice some crazy shit happening, some crazy thoughts you thought u’d never had will pop onto paper. Scary I know, I tried it out and kinda got hooked on it and ever since, I just let myself go when I am writing.

The results are scary, truthful and sometimes unbelievable. But will always help you unlock that part of you that you knew existed but could not access. At least for a brief moment, be it on paper or word document, you will live inside your subconscious and produce exactly what thoughts and ideas you will.

So thank you blogosphere, for the companionship, camaraderie and the enjoyable brain exercise. Thank you Indi, for adding me up on kottu. Thank you all who visited my blog. Thank you all who commented. It has been a hell of a month. I’ve had too much free time on my hands and my mind has been extremely idle after a hell of a long time of heavy activity, and I have immensely enjoyed the sweet release of blogging and getting to know all you terrific people out there.. Keep it real!

Jules Verne. Or, Ramblings from the Underground

I want to go underground. I want to bury myself deep within the recesses of the earth with nothing but my PC, high speed internet connection, subwoofer and sound system, the beach, the sky, long empty roads, a Bugatti Veyron, a mountain bike, mountains, my books, my smokes, a gym, surfboard, beach, sea, waves, lifeguard, TV hmmm..

I shall proceed to live life on my own within the confines of my own personal underground world, I shall surf the waves and run on the beach, I shall visit the gym and I shall lead a happy life in the confines of my own universe. In the evenings I shall put the lamp on and sit on the cool beach reading. I shall expand my intellect for the sole purposes of expanding my intellect, without fear of or need to use that intellect towards the execution of some viable purpose In the ‘real world’.

How I hate the real world. How I hate its stupidity and thirst for all things insignificant and valueless. How I despise it’s obsession with everything superficial. How I hate its scorn for anything and everything of real value in the world around them. How I hate the fact that individual people are perfectly rational and understanding but get lost in utter stupidity when mixed in with a Crowd.

Oh how I hate the Crowd, how I hate the irrationality and its paranoid fixation on everything irrelevant. How I hate it that even my mind is corrupted by it. I want to be free from the grip of the stupidity of the ‘real world’.

So I want to go underground. I want to live apart. But can I survive the loneliness? Can I survive the sorrow? For freedom comes with a price. And that price, if not paid, will take that freedom away from you. So can I reach a compromise? I shall therefore I think, interact with the real world when the need arises but for all intentions and purposes, shall remain underground.

The Prophecies of Ranjan

The nation’s Hero and everybody’s favorite film star Ranjan Ramanayaka is all ready to use his fame and name to finally do some good for the downtrodden and long suffering masses of Sri Lanka. Renowned for chasing away corrupt politicians and making them pee in their pants in his movies, it is hoped by everyone with a sense and craving for justice that Ranjan Aiyya will do the same with the real politicians in this country and bring about a new age of freedom and integrity.

Ranjan aiyya is unafraid, period. He is the type of man who will stare down a charging lion with nothing but scorn in his eyes. He is the type of leader that this country needs.

It is expected by many that the size of his biceps alone will have enough power to pass game changing legislation in the parliament. His political success will know no bounds because he is a Man of the People and what is more, now that Ranjan’s political prowess is unleashed and he can publicly wield his God given influence without modesty, he should rekindle his romance with Sri Lanka’s golden girl Anarkali and save her, yes, save that poor girl from the evil clutches of that uncultured demon, Duminda.

They will then romance each other in the light of public scrutiny and become the most sought after, imitated and paparazzied couple in the country. They will together revolutionize the culture of this island and noble Anarkali will become the guiding shadow on the pathway of Ranjan Aiyya’s journey to becoming the first permanent president of Sri Lanka.

What is more, Ranjan Aiyya will abolish the need for bodyguards for Sri Lankan politicians and cut down, massively, on government spending in this regard. Instead he will make them follow a vigorous exercise schedule and make them sculpt bodies of Spartanic proportions (although none of those lazy individuals will be able to match up to Ranjan Aiyya’s physique; which is of Greek Godly proportions). Our politicians will then proceed to be trained in the various arts of fighting and will float around dodging bullets and taking on gunfights bare fisted.

Ranjan Aiyya will then proceed to rid the country of the scourge of terrorism and will singlehandedly defeat Prabhakaran and 200,000 LTTE cadres armed to the teeth in an historic battle that will be the turning point in the history of this country.

He will then preach peace and equality for all and will be the father of a new nation and lead Sri Lanka to world economic dominance fuelled mainly by the power of the local film industry which he will nurture and cultivate to such an extent that we would be the sole suppliers of entertainment to every single person on the planet.

He will then proceed to win over and control all the rest of the world’s leaders with the sheer power of his charisma.

And such will be the rise of Sri Lanka from an insignificant island nation to the world’s first truly noble superpower.

All hail the dawning of the Ranjan Revolution! long live One Shot!

Under the Influence

Oh yes, it has overcome me once again. The Urge. The urge compels me. Need to smoke, need that sweet release, need it. NEED IT!

A cigarette won’t do. No, my addiction is far more adventurous. Cigarettes are mundane and every day things. What I need is something much better! Aahh, I can imagine it now. Lighting one up, perhaps sitting here. Slipping back, relaxxxing, letting the smoke float away into the still evening air. As I feel myself giving up the weights that are holding me down, a sensation of freedom takes over. It is hard to explain if you are not experiencing it, but I will try here. It is like a sinking sensation inside you. You feel all that is negative and forlorn in this world seep down through your body and earth itself through the soles of your feet. You are left with a free head ready to explore the very corners of the universe and appreciate every single blade of grass on this earth.

At least, that’s how it used to be.

I don’t know if I was addicted. But there was a time where a weekend would not be a weekend without a trusty Mary Jane to burn. That was a long time ago. It’s been a good few months since my last toke. And I have passed up several opportunities to smoke up during that time period. It’s not like I quit. Cos I don’t think I have, and it’s not like I stopped temporarily, ‘cos I don’t think I have. It is just that a part of me thinks that the influence of this particular drug creates adverse affects on my mentality.

When you do it for a while, you begin to notice changes in your psyche. You start living the week looking forward to that weekend toke, you think of the freedom in your mind when you are high and you stop giving a rat’s ass about the world around you. You live a calm life and chill out while the world rumbles on all around you. You sink yourself in your comfort zone. And you don’t want to get out of it. That’s the kind of lifestyle that got me thinking that I would be perfectly happy somewhere smoking up and running a dive shop on some exotic beach somewhere surfing my life away.

And I would have been too.

But then reality took over, and the desire to ‘make – it’. , ran into a better job, got a girlfriend (although I don’t think that affected it much) and slowly became aware of the opportunities out there. Well, I quit smoking every weekend but still earned a reputation for a ganja boy. Had a bit of a bad ass ring to it. I loved being the sole smoker in a group who liked nothing better than to get drunk and get wasted. While I sat and Observed.

Now I’ve moved on from that and I don’t want to be too presumptive but maybe I am a changed person. But the Urge comes and goes now and then and who knows, maybe on some dreamy day somewhere when Mother Nature surrounds me at her most beautiful and I am surrounded by some good friends, maybe then I’ll have a few puffs again.

I AM AUTOFELLOW

just got this on an e-mail, found it hilarious so thought i'd share it around..

WE could definitely use a tuk tuk driver (or two) who can be trusted not to leave our 'Mummy motherfolk' in danger or who knows the street that lacks the address and who are 'mercy having mind fellows' da?

oh and this looks a bit wierd on kottu cos it's written as verse so you might want to come in to read it..here goes..

I am autofellow autofellow
Four knowing route fellow
Justice having rate fellow
Good people mix fellow
Nice singing song fellow
Gandhi borning country felow
Stick take means hunter fellow
Big people's relation fellow
Mercy having mind fellow da
I am all poor's relative fellow da
I am always poor people's relative fellow da
Achak means achak only; Gumuk means gumuk only
Achak means achak only; Gumuk means gumuk only

Town become big, population become big
Bus expecting, half age over
Life become hectic in time, exist in corner of street
Ada eye beat means love coming they telling
You hand clap means auto coming I telling
Front coming look, this three-wheel chariot
Good come and arrive, you trust and climb up
Mercy having mind fellow da
I am always poor people's relative fellow da
Achak means achak only; Gumuk means gumuk only
Achak means achak only; Gumuk means gumuk only

Mummy motherfolk, danger not leave
Heat or cyclone, never I never tell
There there hunger take means, many savoury
Measurement food is one time
For pregnancy I come free mummy
Your child also name one I keep mummy
Letter lacking person ada trusting us and coming
Address lacking street ada auto fellow knowing
Achak means achak only ; Gumuk means gumuk only
Achak means achak only ; Gumuk means gumuk only

great movie too... the indian chap in my office tells me he's watched it 10 times already. and considers it important to watch it at least once a year (for what reason MGR only knows)..

but autofellows will be autofellows. perhaps the Indian ones are so noble cos they have taxi meters on their 'chariots' and therefore do not have to stoop down to haggling over money?

SRI LANKA: GOING POSTAL?

I swear, life in this country is getting crazier by the day. Like yesterday I was in the bus and I had my gym bag with me so I kept it in the front. I usually travel in an intercity or AC bus or whatever you want to call it, and normally this arrangement works fine.

So the bus gets crowded and I am pushed to the back with the crush of the people and as usual start checking the morning’s news on my phone.

Then bit by bit, my ears start detecting an increase in background noise and all of a sudden, the whole bus is in a pandemonium. People are screaming and shouting and voices are being raised and there is a right to do going on.

I’m like WTF is going on and to cut a long story short, discover with some effort that it is my poor gym bag that’s causing all the fuss and rescue it just in time to prevent who knows what happening to it.

It made me realize that everywhere there are people in this country going about their everyday lives with just a thin sheet of a calm façade masking a roaring river of paranoia and panic waiting to break out. I think we all need to calm down a bit, the government and the terrorists (sometimes I tend to confuse the two) thrive on fear to fool the people and make them complacent. It has happened all throughout history and it is easy to find a convenient scapegoat to blame all our troubles on. So here’s my message to the people of SL;

PLEASE, TAKE A CHILL PILL! Sit back, look around you, you can control what happens to you to a great extent if you are a bit careful and have some COMMON SENSE!

But at this point I feel tempted to remind myself what an old teacher of mine used to say and reassert his belief that ‘common sense is not so common’ after all.

Impossible is Nothing and the Egg of Columbus

No, this is not a pro-Adidas post (but I am a big fan btw). And this is not one of those despicable self help Guruji rantings either.

The word Impossible should not exist except to be used in a situational context. Because theoretically speaking, anything is possible. So if anything is theoretically possible then we are looking at infinite possibility which would abolish the concept of impossibility at least in our theoretical universe.

To start with.

The Impossible as we know it is a state of mind. Or a superficial concept. It exists due to barriers such as lack of knowledge, lack of resources, lack of intellect, lack of this, lack of that lack of foresight, lack of money, power, LACK of SOMETHING.

So given that we have anything and everything that we need to make something happen, it should happen because all we would need then is to just make it happen.

It irks me when people say this is impossible, or that is impossible, this is crazy, that won’t work. Some weird perfectionist part of me wants them to always say it Properly. I mean say; ‘This is not impossible. Be we can’t do it because of these and these reasons’

I’m kinda pricky when it comes to that. I don’t know why.

Anyways, getting a bit practical about it, the biggest lack that stands in the way of infinite possibility is human intellect. It seems to only be a gifted few who seem to have the ability to think around problems and discover new ways of doing things. Change is brought about by innovative thinking. And there is a potential revolution just waiting to be unleashed in all of our heads i guess, because it's only After the idea has come out that the genius is recognized.

So there is a genius waiting to break out in all of us! now doesnt that thought make you happy? :)

And if you haven’t heard about the Columbus Egg, It really is an interesting story.

Columbus was dining with many Spanish nobles when one of them said: 'Sir Christopher, even if your lordship had not discovered the Indies, there would have been, here in Spain which is a country abundant with great men knowledgeable in cosmography and literature, one who would have started a similar adventure with the same result.' Columbus did not respond to these words but asked for a whole egg to be brought to him. He placed it on the table and said: 'My lords, I will lay a wager with any of you that you are unable to make this egg stand on its end like I will do without any kind of help or aid.' They all tried without success and when the egg returned to Columbus, he tapped it gently on the table breaking it slightly and, with this, the egg stood on its end. All those present were confounded and understood what he meant: that once the feat has been done, anyone knows how to do it.

And hey, I just thought of something. ‘Pro-Adidas’ post? maybe a new source of blogger revenue? Granted it’ll probably have too much of a press release ring to it but subtly done? Hmmm. Or are they doing it already? Are we reading blogs that are subtly putting signals in our subconscious telling us to buy this and buy that on a daily basis? Like those extremely (blink and you will miss) things you see in the movies these days. Take The Incredible Hulk for exempli gratia, I was watching it yesterday and noticed a little pack of Pringles in a motel room and Norton antivirus on a PC (See of you can spot it).

Hmmm. Maybe I’ll write a post about it lol.

Oh so Godaay! (A word unlike any other)

Living behind my keyboard and snatching on some time that didn’t look like it could be put into a more useful purpose I started to muse on this particular Sri Lankan term;

Goday.

I mean it has been in use for so long and been so frequently used to describe, insult and put down individuals from various walks of life for so long that it seems to have taken on a life of its own. I mean what does it exactly mean?

So I Google the term and find search results that have nothing to help my quest. Then I google ‘Godaya’ and found this interesting post on some blog by a chap who goes by the name if Dinidu de Alwis. Anyways in this post he outlines this interesting experiment he conducted in the streets of Wellawatte where he smiled at a lot of people randomly and recorded the result. And then goes on to say that he was just acting ‘goday’. (see also kottu search results)

Ah HA! So according to Dinidu a godaya is a person who smiles randomly at people on the road is it? Hmmm,I guess that’s one way of looking at it.

Finding nothing else of significance on Google (we seriously do need a more comprehensive Sri Lankan web presence!)and it being a Friday I thought I’ll ask a few discerning colleagues what they thought it meant. Here are some results.

Hyperactive Customer Service colleague: ‘Like, Someone who is back in time or someone who is not aware of something?’
Me: So he’s a godaya if he’s not aware of something?
HCSC: If he’s not aware of a very obvious trend, he’s labeled a godaya’.
Erm ok.
_______________________________________________________
IT Dude: Hmmm, that means like, gamey hadiccha ekkenek? (person who grew up in the village)
Ara click wenna wela yanne? (Tube light, Person who is a bit slow on the pickup)
Dresses bad? Old fashioned?
Ok, ok.
________________________________________________________
Female Colleague : Godaya? (posh accent), crinkles up face, why do you wanna know? (thinks..)
Someone who doesn’t have TASTE. At all!! (Sideward look at guy sitting next to her)

Lol ok.. and now there ensues loud comebacks and counter comebacks as a result of this. The guy who sits next to her happens to be somewhat Indian and while being an awesome character is occasionally prone to displaying slightly non-Sri Lankan behavior that could be perceived to be slightly eccentric in certain circles. So I decide to ask him.

Indian: hehe (says the IT guys name) living embodiment of it.

Ouch.
The word really does have a life of its own.

MYSELF or…Writing the Personal Statement or….How to Sell Yourself on Paper (without a damn pimp)

Ok here’s the deal. The Whackster is actually considering moving on from the golden shores of this country to try his luck at gaining an MBA. Or a Masters in Bloody Antics. Whatever. In any case the deal is that I get quite a substantial scholarship which I would desperately need since my collective funds do not total anywhere close to the millions required, but there is a catch. Oh yes there is always a catch.

So these people at the esteemed institution I am applying for are dangling this tempting essential in my face and forcing me to write an essay of 3000 words to get it. That’s right, a damn 3000 word essay! I mean, writing about any old thing is no big deal for me as you can quite plainly see by looking at this blog but writing to win a scholarship worth 5 grand? Ouch! The very thought of it brings out the goose pimples all over me.

We are not talking about the regular ‘myself’ essay here; My name is The Whackster, I am 23 years old, I like blogging and running on the beach etc would'nt quite cut it (or so tells me this tiny little voice in my head). This requires something more articulate, something more to the point yet long drawn, something to put it short, that takes 3000 words to describe in great detail exactly why I need the money! Hell all I need is 4 simple words for that; Because I Am Poor (did I stutter?).

They are probably looking for some third world sob story riddled with the usual accompaniments; Natural disasters, political victimization, lack of essential living conditions such as food or water or lodging or all of the above, disease ridden neighborhoods where cow dung is considered a healthy delicacy etc. and they probably want you to be some brilliant genius rising up through all that muck and shmuck and proving himself against all odds to a cruel world and who, after long years of hardship, has reached the point in his life where he needs, I mean REALLY needs an MBA from this Particular institution to succeed.

I mean, I know anything is possible and I’ve had my share of fortune and strife, but that seems kinda tall right? so the deadline approaches and i am totally playing the deer stuck in the headlights here. so i need some help you see. Any tips? i will remember you when i am filthy rich. i promise.

The simple relationship between Money, Power and Blood...and a love poem.

I had a funny thought in the bus today. It was about money, power and blood. I remember thinking on the relationship between those three elements of human existence. Seems like in the quest for money and power, it is almost impossible not to have any blood on your hands. Now it does not mean that you have to directly pull the trigger or own the hand that holds the knife. I mean even in an indirect sense. Say you work as a respectable economist for a government with a despotic edge to it. A government that ruthlessly eliminates any opposition and refuses to acknowledge the values of the constitution that it is bound to uphold while being immersed in corruption. Don’t the benefits you gain from that job come from the sacrifice of others? From the bloodshed and pain and injustice caused?

Or say you are an honest businessman out to make a healthy living. the environment you operate in is ruled by a government that abuses fiscal policy to benefit certain industries that have no bearing on the development of the country (e.g. FDI and monopolistic foriegn control) and you take advantage of this to make your own money by investing in these areas.

is it really pssible to make money, become rich and powerful without having at least a drop of blood smeared on your hands as a result of your actions affecting the life of some other living being somewhere on this planet?

and now for the love poem..

ahem..

Every single day,
Every single hour
I can see her face.
My never ending fantasy
My wish so long ago
Living in a pipe dream
Happiness it seems
Is so close by
Dancing to the beat
My days go by

But now I am further away
Looking at myself
What if I got what I want?
My mind turns critical
The reality of the dream
Is it just a dream in reality?
It’s an illusion of truth
And that is not always good


so what does love have in common with money and power you ask? well they all make me extremely sentimental.

they are also three things that are highly desirable to the average human being.

And where does the blood come in? well, i'll leave that for you to figure out.

Winners take chances

Winners take chances. Like everyone else they fear falling, but they refuse to let fear control them. Winners don’t give up. When life gets tough they hang in until the going gets better. Winners are flexible. They realise there is more than one way and are willing to try others. Winners know they are not perfect. They respect their weaknesses while making the most of their strengths. Winners fall, but they don’t stay down. They stubbornly refuse to let a fall keep them from climbing. Winners don’t blame fate for their failures, nor luck for their successes. Winners accept responsibility for their lives. Winners are positive thinkers who see good in all things. From the ordinary, they make the extraordinary. Winners believe in the path they have chosen even when it’s hard even when others can’t see where they are going. Winners are patient. They know a goal is only as worthy as the effort that’s required to achieve it. Winners are people like you. They make this world a better place.

written by Nancye Sims

It’s the Sri Lankan Revolution, Ignoramus!

When governments fall they do not fall because of the opposing forces of the people but they fall because they go against the ruling classes or the bourgeoisie. It is the ruling class that generally tends to have power over the people and they then coordinate that power to stand against that government. The French revolution, Hitler’s fascist revolution, all occurred from the manipulation of the people. Therefore a force has to arise from within the people and has to take the lead to bring the people towards a new government and consequently form a new ruling class.

That’s what we need in the damn country if you ask me. A revolution! Screw the communists, the PA and the UNP we need an all new force to arise from the heart of the people. A force that is modern enough to take us away from all our archaic socio-economic policies and conditions. A movement to revitalize our minds and refresh the conscience of this nation, a movement to remove all the false biases and conventions that are embedded in our minds and all the illusions that have been cast upon the minds of the common people. A movement to release the proletariat or the working classes from the grip of alcohol and drugs and raise their level of consciousness to lift up the national economy. It’s like the Chinese said; every two hands come with a free brain attached.

But such a movement will have to arise from the grassroots level. Work will have to be done in the bottom of the social order to vitalize them into action. The government’s disease of complacency has spread to every corner of society and as things are right now, I do not think anyone is going to protest unless petrol prices go through the tallest roof in the country and food becomes a pure luxury. It is amazing how much people in this country tolerate when it comes to economics/quality of life aspects. I mean god forbid someone from a different religion has the balls to express his god given rights in your society but hey, it’s fine if the government wants to kill you really really slowly by depriving you of everything you need for your daily sustenance. It’s our government right? And that fat chap in that white ‘jathika anduma’ did give his lifelong promise to never let us down didn’t he?

I swear, some people need to get the basics right. The masses of this country seem to have been fooled so much that they have replaced sound religious, scientific and moral judgments and principles with conventions and made up traditions. A small example; apparently there is nothing that prevents people from having funerals on Tuesdays and Fridays. I was listening to a Buddhist monk talk the other day and he was saying how that particular habit developed from the 80s during the troubles with the JVP. When there were bodies everywhere, particularly floating on the rivers. The government apparently banned funerals or taking bodies away or some such thing on those days due to some reason or the other and thus started a tradition that lives to this day that lacks any sound base.

Being a Muslim, I was also Shocked (yes my shock warrants a capital‘s’) to see a few weeks ago Muslims fighting Muslims in a political rigmarole in the East and setting fire to some poor guy’s tuk tuk while they were at it. Politicians have blinded the masses and taken control of their minds and willpower by the manifestation of their own god complex and by taking advantage of their poverty, social situation and lack of knowledge.

For a people to rise up as one and make something of themselves, they have to first smarten up. We just seem to be a bunch of worker bees striving hard to just somehow make some money during the day to make ends meet and have some leftover for booze coupled with a few mind numbing joints during the weekends. We are emotionally and rationally numb to our environments and simply choose to ignore and pretend that the things we do not like do not exist.

We need a wakeup call and we can either wake up and smell the burning ashes of our homes and loved ones a few years of ignorance later, or smell the coffee (or what’s left of it after all the garbage) now.

AIMLESsssssZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz….

Aimlessly typing, thinking of something to write. Man I am so behind in the stuff that I am supposed to do, ive got application forms to fill, things to consider, future plans to lay out, things to consider, unis to hunt for, things to consider, interviews to prepare for, things to consider.

Met with a bloody accident yesterday, smashed in my front left window. Crazy ass kid on a pushbike, acting like he’s bloody superman came down the wrong side of the bloody road like he was from the States or something. Waving one arm about and looking like some kinda cowboy on drugs. You know how it is when your 12 or 13 and you’re just getting used to your cycling legs and power of transporting yourself by your own efforts?

Anyways, kid comes right at me out of the blue and me having no time to avoid him cos I was goin at about 60k’s sandwiched between a van and other coupla push bikes. Suddenly the glass on my left shatters and splatters all over the inside of my lovely Angie. Turns out the kid’s right pedal struck my front end or something and his handle crashed through my window.

Stopped the car and ran back. And no there was no murder in my eyes. My dad beat me to it though. Kid was alright. Shit scared. Picked up his bike (which was no longer in riding condition) and walked off real quick haha. Anyways that’s the story and pretty much the icing on the cake of an already car-troubled Sunday having previously spent a good few hours in the hot sun going here and there to do a mechanic’s bidding to fix my breaks. Which got ruined due to me foolishly driving downhill from the salubrious hills of our nation and using the breaks instead of the low gears (for driving aficionados; this amounts to driving sacrilege) but of course the rest of yesterday warrants a whole new post, which I will not go into now.

Confessions from the Dark Side.

Forgive me, for I have sinned. I am a sinner because sinning is all I do in this life. I am cruel and I am insensitive. I am a Bad, Bad Boy.

And yet I am an even worse sinner because I simply revel in my badness. I Luurrve being bad. It’s like being bad is a loverrly smooth dripping ice cream sundae and I am parched and exhausted and have seen nothing but the desert for weeks! And I just want to rub it on my face and smack and lick and suck all that luverrly refreshing ice-cream into my system. That’s how much I like being bad.

And what kind of badness do I revel in? Unfortunately, there is no glory or an abstractly admirable angle in my badness. I am not a heroic crook like McAvity the Mystery Cat, nor am I a soldier who blasts to smithereens the nearest enemy head. I am no Robin Hood or a modern day Saradiyel. No, my badness does not conjure up visions of Schwarzenegger in Terminator nor even of Anthony Hopkins in The Silence of the Lambs.

No, my badness is more of a sneaky kind of badness.

I am a sniveling, snickering creature inside my head who likes nothing better than to pick on people’s weaknesses, I laugh at their accent, I laugh at their clothes, I laugh at their parents, I laugh at their kindness, I laugh at everything possible for me to laugh at.

And yet, a part of me laughs at me at the same time. A part of me laughs at me because I laugh at them. a part of me feels sorry for me for being so petty. A part of me despises the miserable creature and that part is constantly ashamed of this badness.

And still I laugh. Oh how I laugh! I like nothing better than to look at some pitiful inferior creature and laugh my guts out at that poor individual’s fate. I associate with them, talk to them and live with them. Among them there are individuals who love me, who treasure me and would give their lives for my safety, but yet a part of me laughs at them. A part of me despises them. A part HATES them. A part wants to KILL them, MAIM them and TORTURE them. A part of me is Very Very Morbid.

That is the most dangerous idea I have come across. When you brush your teeth every morning, have a closer look in the mirror. That mind that your eyes conceal is capable of more evil than you think. There is more evil going on in there than you know. In fact, you’re probably at least as twice as evil as you think you are right now. And if you think there is no evil in you, then you must be one of those philosophical types who think that good and evil are purely irrelevant words used to describe a purely subjective phenomenon.

But potentially, oh yes potentially, we are capable of anything. Today I might be a docile teeth brusher peacefully going to work but tomorrow I could snap and beat my colleague to death with my telephone.

There is evil in all of us. It is just waiting to snap out. But sometimes it sneaks and seeps through the gaps you have left open in your mind, eating into your subconscious and transforming you into something different.

There is a Jack in all of us.

Bodysnatchers

It swirls and whirls as it covers everything before you, the misty mountaintop and the concealed edge of the cliff. Uncertainty and doubt will rule your conscience till your foot meets the ground again safely. You dread that step that will take you down plummeting through nothing to meet a splattering end. Visions of falling, visions of screaming fill your mind, coupled with the consciousness of your lack of knowledge as to where you –quite literally- stand, you freeze on the spot.

Your eyes are wide and every muscle feels tensed to bursting point. You are frozen with fear. And now you have no choice but to remain frozen until the mist clears and sense enters your head once again, loosening your muscles and enabling movement with its gentle lubrication.

The climax has come and now I am stuck in a position where the possibility of happiness meets endless bleakness on the horizon. I am a sailor sailing my little craft with its little white sail. Sailing is all I have known and all that there is for me to do in this life. The ocean is all I see and it is all around me on all sides. It is calm and the sky is a glowing reddish bronze. The horizon is all my eyes meet wherever I turn and happiness blends into the bleak sky and spreads on into infinity.

And yet I stand.

a thought on Change

Nuff said i think. on my random browsings through the net i just came across a somewhat new bestseller by Naomi Klein called 'The Shock Doctrine; The rise of disaster capitalism' haven't read the whole thing yet but it seems kinda one of those potential mindblowers. do check out the site

A Matter of Opinion or Restlessnessnesslessrestlessnesslessness…

My mind is a swarming pit of agoraphobic monsters coping up with the air in the gloom of my darkening fate. The masses of the world look at me with skewed eyes and their hypocrisy and refusal to believe the reality that is in their own heads and hearts never ceases to disgruntle me.

For what are we but vessels of thought? What are we but cabins that house a myriad of events and imaginations that take place one after the other on a day to day basis? We constantly correct ourselves, contradict ourselves and confuse ourselves with the implications and the counter-implications of our thoughts and ideas. Does it matter if no one else appreciates my work? Will that render my work devoid of any literal value? Do we have to write to please others? Or do we have to write something that is correct and is of value to people?

But how do we judge what is correct? How do we judge what is right when in the realm of the mind, depending on what internal forces counteract with each other in what particular manner, anything could be deemed as right. And that is what we call opinion. Opinion is formed depending on an individual’s circumstances and therefore, it follows that the only instance where two individuals who possess identical opinions on a subject can be found is where these two individuals have been through identical circumstances all throughout their lives.

And that is a practical impossibility which goes without saying. So therefore no human being can possess an opinion which is identical to that of another human being on the same subject at any time. All we can do is broadly agree on a few things. But when it really gets down to the nitty-gritty, we will eventually always disagree. So that’s why we compromise.

‘You can’t have everything your way’.

But I am still restless.

Deja Vu

I remember the dream now. Two people who could have been me. Considering their options. They both were exactly same until this point. They were faced with a choice, and an option that they both wanted. And that’s when their universes split apart. For one choose to be enterprising and take on the world and expel fear. While the other, well the other chose to give into his fears of failure and decided that not knowing if he would ever succeed is much better than giving up the effort and not going through all that heart rending suspense and potential for disappointment.

So the fearful one simply returned to the safe base of home while the courageous one went on diving into the waters of uncertainty to catch the fish of success. And their universes forever split apart and the person who was one in the beginning is now two people living in two parallel existences.

AARGH!!

I am numb and I am erased. Erased of reason and erased of sense. Why am I so irrational and why can’t I think straight only when it comes to this particular aspect of my life? I mean what bullshit. What freaking bullshit! Yeah I know, I feel like swearing. But the actions that I just did are so devoid of reason and clear thinking that it has me reeling so much. In fact, I think more than 75% of the discomfort I am feeling right now has resulted from me not knowing Why the hell I’m doing what I am doing rather than the infuriation over what actually happened.

Let me start at the beginning, or as far back into the beginning as I can go. She is impossible to talk to. You should know that. Her reasoning is beyond my comprehension and her thought trains are so complex that they twist within themselves everything I see as rational and real. What is so horrible is the fact that I repeatedly try and fail again and again to walk away. Or at least that has been the case for the past few weeks. Some months ago I totally walked away from her and was quite at peace. Till my life got skewed once again because of her external influence and Boom! Now we are both stuck in the confused mire of the quicksand of emotional turmoil that results from the mental amalgamation of two people with a torrid history getting back into familiarity.

And my God! What familiarity it has been! It’s like all the worst aspects of emotional arm twisting is taking place all over again. She is adept at the art of keeping you in suspense, adept at doing and saying whatever she wants while throwing a massive fit if you so much as imply that you are going to do the same. She is a master of deception and a master it seems, however much I refuse to want to believe it, of lies.

Yes that’s right. Lies. Plain cold hard downright emotional and factual, realistical and imaginary lies. I tell you it is so damn frustrating to be lied to. The funny thing is, she doesn’t even seem to be aware of the fact that she is lying. And lying comes so easy to her; I feel that it is now a second nature. From small little white lies to family members that we all think are innocent, to outright factual inaccuracies flung at your face, to outright refusals to accept the fact that she said something that was loudly and clearly heard by me and presumably anything and anyone within a goddamn ten foot radius.

It is virtually impossible to talk to her. You try getting at the truth and it is always the offensive. Boom! I come somewhere close to actually telling her the truth and what I really think that she is up to and you should see the defenses go up and the archers take their places in the narrow slitted windows! There follows an extensive barrage of ‘how dare you insult me’s and ‘how dare you call me a liar’s and ‘no one has ever talked to me this way before’s. And all I can think is that she is like the teapot that sings when the water gets hot. Except that in this case the water is the truth and the heating up is happening because my words are brushing way too close to it.

And why can’t I walk away? I don’t bloody know. That is killing me even more! I know I should just kiss this valueless situation goodbye and go live life like any sane male in his early twenties should. I should. But I can’t. Well I can. I just did it this morning. I had walked away and was making up my mind to never see her again. When she suddenly sends me text saying ‘Im already beginning to miss you :-(‘. Yeah I know, I can’t Believe I fell for that… spineless moron! I deserve every single thing I got!

So there followed the inevitable meeting up for lunch. And numerous other complications into which I will not go into detail over right now at the immediate and very probable risk of me smashing my PC into bits and pieces.

!!!#!@R$!$#!@!@@#!!!!!

And then there followed more instances of more drama, and then some more. I tell you, I was well and truly dragged into the bloody dramatic role of Oscar winner for ‘this year’s most embarrassing role in theater or film’. With the ultimate result of me, yes ME! Now having to wait till SHE reaches home and calls ME. How did I even get into this situation?? How the hell do I get out? This is very, very, very Bad. Very Bad.

I am a freaking Drama King that’s what. I need to take a step or two back and evaluate the situation in the cold hard light of reality. Yeah. Like the Godfather you know, keep my head about me. Not lose my wits in a frenzy. The Godfather tells me to just cut my ties and walk away (we’re talking a very tame and somewhat pacifist Godfather here.) and I know that it is the right choice.

But then (:() who will admire me and laugh at my jokes? Who will look at me with those shining eyes and give me that shy look from the side of their faces. Who will constantly turn me on with their presence and make me so horny all the time? Even though I dare not do anything about it? Who will most of all be there for me when I am lonely and always be ready for some light banter when I need some cheering up?

Do the pros outweigh the cons? I don’t know. I definitely don’t hope so. Because if it does, even after all this time, it just proves me to be an emotional weakling. This mental gullibility of mine will have to disappear. And if a cold hard disregard for emotional dependence on others is what needs to be cultivated. Then so be it. Anything has to be better than this.